Airy - ie. "A nice airy move." Scrambling term indicating extreme exposure, inducing possible bowel failure and assessment of percentage survival chances (D. Lees). Not to be confused with Hairy.

Atlantic 252 - Intriguingly awful LW radio station and once the only thing available in a Marshalls' minibus. This is probably the reason why the Club used to sing so much.

B.O.G. - Boring Obnoxious Git. According to legend the club is blessed with at least one of these every year. Identifying features include an unbelievable lack of tact accompanied by astronomical levels of self-promotion. See also hill ego and bullshit.

Backpackers - Little known, shadowy organisation… not dissimilar to the hikers. Traditional cause of Freshers Fair confusion: "What's the difference between the hikers and backpackers?"
"Erm… none, really… except we're better…"

Badger, The Hangover ~ - medium sized furry mammal found in British campsites, which, attracted by the scent of recently consumed alcohol, runs round and round inside the heads of sleeping hikers before nesting in their mouths. There is little that can be done for any hiker blearily emerging from their tent on Sunday morning complaining 'the badger's been again...' except to pass them a can of coke and direct them to the nearest fry up.

Bagger - subversive clique of varying size, dedicated to opposing all other cliques and climbing Munros once and only once in order to put a little tick on a wall chart. Baggers have also been known to travel far to find Corbetts, Donalds, Wainwrights, amusing roadsigns and milk tankers. Known by their distinctive cry of "Eeeeeee…!"

Beardie-Weirdie - a person of middle years with abundant facial hair, usually sporting thirty year old rucksack or trendy sock/sandal combo. Often noted for somewhat eccentric interests such as rare flowers or rock formations. Older Club members can be observed to be undergoing the metamorphosis into one of these Chewbacca clones, however happily most are fighting back.

Beer Nugget, Her Majesty's Golden ~ - Common denomination of Hiker money, indicating what it will probably be spent on.

Ben Dorain - munro near Bridge of Orchy which regularly causes great problems to Hikers brave enough to attempt the summit, particularly due to the false summit and regular bad weather. Widely believed to be cursed.

Ben's Cat - recently traditional toast at the Christmas and Annual Dinners instituted by ex-president B. Grimley. If the current president happens to be female this innocent statement is usually responded to in a lewd and largely predictable fashion.

Big Day Out - a Saturday every summer term spent touring rural Yorkshire in a minibus (with/without sheep's skull attachment). The trip is usually well spent sampling the Hiker staples of beer, cheese, pies and ice-cream… as well as terrorising local radio stations.

Bimble - Walk of varying difficulty and length, taken at a leisurely pace, sometimes involving pubs and teashops. Usually lacking in any bagging objective. See also Wendy Walk.

Bimbler - Sometimes derisive term used to describe people refusing to display excessive hill-ego or bullshit on a Club trip by walking because they enjoy it.

Bluey! - NOT the video sort, but a once familiar cry at the end of a long walk - "Bluey!!!" "What is it Snowy?" "I can see the pub from 'ere!!!"

Boggism - Politically correct pastiche of management school theory and sound Hiking ideas.

Bracchi Poles - now common walking aid pioneered by C. Bracchi, safety granddad.

Bullshit - a prevalent feature of Club conversation/pulling technique. Characterised by extravagant claims, often in inverse proportion to actual knowledge of mountaineering/gear etc. Can be used to impress difficult junior members. See gear.

Cairn - portable stone toilet for use in mountainous terrain (J. Colbeck)

Campsite - a field or small patch of vacant mud somewhere, identified by the vice-president as capable of supporting a dozen vangos. Some poorer quality campsites have taken on cult status, such as The Somme in Wasdale, Dead Squirrel at Glencoe and the Bridge of Orchy Hilton.

Cartmel Coffee Shop -source of post-foyer temptation leading to afternoon time wasting. The words 'Want to go for a coffee?' have been known to cause lengthy delays in work. Now the venue of choice for exec meetings. See also social and faff

Clapdale - the first weekend trip of the year. Its main purpose is to seduce and corrupt unwitting freshers. Finer points include trips to that old favourite The New Inn, the playing of various games to encourage further intimacy, nudity, drunkenness, singing_, Inglesport cafe, oh… and some walking.

Climber - one who scales vertical rock faces with strange names through the use of much hardware. Can easily be spotted by the coloured tape they mark ALL their gear with, even their water bottles. Climbers often consider themselves more knowledgeable and competent than the average bimbler.

Club Babe - female hiker universally thought of as attractive by Hiking males. Usually a different one each year - could almost be an exec position.

Coffin Dodger - slightly offensive description of anyone considered "old" by the Club. Often seen driving slowly in front of minibuses or loitering on the top of Snowdon having used the train.

Costa Frocester - annual summer beer orgy in deepest Gloucestershire presided over by J. Heath.

Curse - Proof of the innate superstition of most Hikers there are many curses attached to LUHC activities… Recent cursed objects include Ben Dorain (none shall find the top or return unscathed) and Mike's Tent (Every woman venturing within shall pull someone other than Mike on that weekend).

Danson, Jim -former club gear officer and hanger on. Has reputation as "a bit of a character." Famous for launching into amusing outbursts of outraged tubthumping on various matters (see rant).

Degree - supposed reason for being at University… usually rapidly abandoned in pursuit of the true cause of the mountains. See 'Presidents Degree'.

Difficult - probably not but boy it made me look good.

Dormant Lesser Spotted Bint - Rare nocturnal creature possessing highly alcoholic blood chemistry and low levels of consciousness. Occasional cry of "tosser!"

Drunk - the default state of the Hiker - although anyone will tell you that members were always more drunk in previous years, suggesting widespread hospitalisation in the early 1970s.

Early Bus - For the more established members this is Hiking anathema - akin to being sent to bed early with no supper. Mostly full of punters and driven by a driver with an early start on Monday.

Eeek - Migrating hairy creature living sporadically on the heads of various hirsute Hikers, particularly C. Desmond. Common in the days when Hikers could be recognised by a huge mane of hair.

Exec. (abbreviation) - Committee allegedly in charge of the club, traditionally riddled with dissension, dislike and personal ambition. Exec politics is often the subject of much opinionated talk from the rest of the Club. See rant.

Faff - charactenstic problem of all club administration. This broad term covers disorganisation, confusion, failure to get things done, being too busy talking, an inability to park minibuses and all things that require physical and mental effort.

Festering - varying degrees of doing sweet F.A. This traditional term describes the difference between ambition (hill) and reality (teashop), although experienced festerers have ceased to be bothered by the former. Frequently demonstrated on the Sunday of weekend trips, usually by G. Jones or M. Amberry.
Once the subject of a well known grading system by P. Fretwell.

Foyer - lunchtime meeting place of the Club's inner sanctum in the Faraday building. A time theoretically used for a certain amount of administration its more common use is for the exercise of member's jaw muscles as well as maintaining the financial viability of Birketts bakery. See also social and faff.

G.A.P. Night - The Gentlemens' Alcoholic Perambulation. Originally a civilised bar crawl designed to concentrate the mind of the hiking male away from the hiking female for one night a year, this is now more of an annual celebration of laddish debauchery away from the civilising influence of female members.

Garage - ramshackle building use for the purpose of gear storage. Viewed by the club with varying degrees of pride and/or exasperation. Precise nature of contents varies but often includes mice. Flooding thereof has been known to cause distress. Distinctive smell of mouldy tents.

Gear - (i) Hiking, Climbing and Mountaineering equipment, beloved and protected by members who carefully hoard and accumulate it over many years. Often the reason most Hikers have no money. Communal Club gear is generally less well cared for, except by some conscientious gear officers.

(ii) Anything remotely "trippy", a handy alternative to alcohol for the more herbally aware. See jojoba.

Gearbox - much abused term when applied to minibuses, gearbag being a more appropriate description. The destruction of said while traveling at high speed down the side of Loch Lomond one Sunday night resulted in the quote 'That'll be the gearbox!'. This was then followed by musical tow trucks back to Lancaster and the petrol money saved by the use of said tow trucks being spent on fried breakfasts in the 'Grease Pit'.

Glencoe - beloved region in Western Scotland frequented by the Club in November and January. Considerably improved by its proximity to Fort William for wet weather/festering alternatives. Many happy tales are told of times past in the bunkhouse/CIC hut/Clachaig, often involving broken ankles and amusing vomiting. Happiness is not normally associated with the locals, a dour lot still in mourning for the massacre of 1692.

Golden Bucket - the ultimate accolade granted yearly for the most amusing chundering on a Club event. There is usually some stiff competition…

Gossip - the Club runs on this much as a Marshall's van runs does on petrol (unless it's a diesel one).

Grading System - now defunct system of rating Club behaviour such as festering and bimbling - before these became generic terms of derision.

Granddad - any Hiker over 30, particularly a group of late 80's hikers apparently responsible for getting G. Jones elected as president.

Haggis - (i) Scottish sausage containing the bits of an animal you don't want to know about. Best eaten deep-fried from Lesmahagow chippy.

(ii) furry creature with two legs long and two legs short. It runs around the hillsides of its native Scotland in one direction only. The capture and consumption of this wee critter has been known to bring tears to the eyes of some punters.

Hairy Dave - Not Email Dave. The other one. Not to be confused with Jacob, who is a smooooth man.

Harry's - inner sanctum term for a well known gear shop in Lancaster. Now going by a different name but formerly Harry Robinson's. Various hangers-on will eulogise about the time when there was another gear shop, which fell down. See old bastard.

Heath, Dr. Jim - the definitive Club bagger. This vintage member is single-handedly responsible for some of the more dubious traditions in the modern club, see Costa Frocester. Known above all else for his passion for cycling over great distances at the merest whiff of a challenge, and being the mad scientist behind the creation of mangelwurzel mulled wine.

Hiking - (i) mountaineering. (ii) ice-climbing. (iii) walking. (iv) bimbling. (v) sitting in teashops. (vi) festering. (vii) whatever we can be bothered doing on a Sunday.

Hill Ego - the feeling of superiority to others on the hill. Often demonstrated in preposterous manner by much wearing of accessories and accompanying embroidering of the truth.

Hill Rations - frequently "ye olde cheese sarnie", but taken to culinary extremes in some cases ("another smoked salmon sandwich, Mr O'Loughlin?"). "Emergency" hill-rations are simply a delightful excuse to indulge a habit for well-known brands of chocolate bar.

Ilkley Moor Bah't 'at - where the ducks play football.

Incest Chart - The detailed record of the swapping of various bodily fluids between club members past and present. Although some members delight in achieving multiple links, even those with the best intentions eventually succumb to the inevitable powers of this magic item. See Shark.

In-joke - humorous saying or concept entirely exclusive to the club's inner sanctum. Attempts to translate these into other situations invariably result in failure with bemused expressions coming from parents and friends… and probably the readers of this dictionary.

Inner Sanctum - those who by and large ARE the club. Once initiated into this group it becomes impossible to escape as it entirely eclipses your family and any others you once held near and dear.

Jeb - He's the Firestarter… Twisted Instigator…

Jojoba - Interesting herbal shampoo.

Lager - The pisswater of Satan.

L.A.S.S. - Ladies' Alcoholic Sexy Soiree, the recent reincarnation of the Ladies Alcoholic Perambulation. Much in the same vein as G.A.P., however organised and participated in by the 'gentler sex' (ahem).

Late Bus - Once thought to have disappeared altogether but making a recent comeback, this is the minibus that stays at the pub. Why go home when you can drink beer?

L.U.H.C. - Lost Until Help Comes.

Locals - encountered everywhere the Club goes, sometimes belligerent, sometimes plain scared of us. The more exotic breeds are found in such havens as the Clachaig, sipping their single malts/heather beer and muttering "I'd shut up if I were you laddie" in response to the football chants of J.Danson.

Logbook - weighty tome recording the humorous doings and sayings of the Hiking Club. Filled in by everybody and anybody - old logbooks are hoarded by the President and treated with historical (though sometimes hysterical) reverence.

McAlpinism - Initially amusing pun best delivered in a Warrington accent - most common examples being "Excrement!", "Serpently!" and "Hairy Muff!" (definitely not to be confused with Hairy Dave).

Mangelwurzel - Now a Hiking Club institution, the famous homebrew creation of Dr James Heath is responsible for many a rough head on campsites the length and breadth of the country. Containing a blend of secret ingredients, from mangelwurzels carefully selected from roadsides and fields in undisclosed locations, to that special hint of Mr Juicy '94, this cattle-fodder derivative tastes like port and kicks like aviation fuel. Standing round the trangia with a mug of mangelwurzel has always been the way to finish a good beer session, and immortal lines like "I've cleaned my teeth tonight especially for you", "who's that snogging in my tent?" and "where's my head torch?" would never have been uttered without it...

Me me me me me……. - battle cry of A. Smith.

Minibus - traditionally hired from Marshall's (see Old Man Marshall) and driven with the same reckless speed on motorways, mountain passes and single track roads with snow poles. Quality has improved vastly over the late 1990's, but is still largely shit. The general ambience within a Marshalls Minibus has always been one of sweaty clothing, mouldy boots and closely pressed hikers, if you like that sort of thing…

Money - never enough of this substance. Its abundance is always in inverse proportion to the number of trips gone on, pubs visited and gear drooled over.

Mountain Rescue - (i) the ones who get you out of the shit and should therefore be treated with respect.

(ii) local group partly composed of ex-hikers that have taken drunkenness and casual nudity to new heights.

Mountaineer - "All the gear and no idea". Also 'crag rats', 'stone-disorganised' and 'sport climber'.

Munro - Scottish mountain over 3000ft, and the holy grail of the Baggers. The ability to climb one is frequently debated by various hard-core members who claim that these giants hold no interest for them at all (ahem).

Nav - abbreviation. As in "Mr Sagar with this navigation you are really spoiling us". An ability to tell where one is - supposedly a knowledge possessed by all club members. However this is somewhat undermined by reams of anecdotal evidence such as mistaking a valley for a ridge, following animal tracks into the wrong valley and being on the wrong hill altogether. See Curse and Ben Dorain.

Nick, To do a ~ - General obstructive exec-splitting behaviour of all vice presidents.

Old Bastard - member of an extensive group of graduates still attached to the club by an umbilical cord or who claim to be giving junior members the benefit of their experience. Can usually be counted on to be the loudest, most drunken, most lecherous hikers on any given trip. Formerly known as Hangers-On, sometimes masquerading under the innocuous title of "Alumni".

Old Man Marshall - the figure behind the Marshall's van/minibus empire. Local to the core and looking like an extra from some film about the Krays. Usually far from friendly, he has been known to take a rare shine to some vice presidents, leading to hassle-free minibus hire for 12 months.

Not to be confused with Coniston Old Man which is much easier to mount.

Pitted Olives - oooh sir!!! See in-joke.

Politically Correct - the Club is devoid of anything remotely connected with this.

Posters - should be yellow, numerous, and illustrated with examples of Hikers at their most random. The province of the publicity officer who takes on this mighty task out of loyalty to the club and not out of addiction to the fumes given off by the marker pens.

Presidential Beer Gut - Once lovingly passed from each lardy dictator their successor, the ultimate mark of high Hiking office has recently been passed over by a succession of female Presidents and skinny blokes - it's called progress, I suppose…

Presidents Degree - At one time a poor academic result achieved by most presidents, apparently due to the pressures of their difficult Club position. Recent presidents have fared a little better though…

Pub - the natural habitat of any Hiker due to its ready provision of beer, log fires, hot drinks and occasionally gooey cakes. The ability to detect one at a distance is much prized.

Punter - member of club whose ambitions are strictly limited to day tripping.

Distinguishable features may include jeans, Doc Martens and bewildered expression.

Quiet in the pub and eager to go home on the first bus. No reliance is placed on these beings in group situations. The graduation from punter to inner sanctum is a proud moment for any hiker.

Random - the entire ethos of the Club encapsulated in one word.

Rant - a spectacular, continuous stream of invective/forcible ramming of opinions down the throats of others, usually accompanied by vigorous wagging of finger, thrown whisky bottle optional. See Danson, Jim.

Ropes - substantial and lengthy nylon cords for use in multiple hill/climbing situations. Often a large source of Club contention (see bullshit). Don't forget to fill in the log.

S.U. - University-wide entity with certain delusions of grandeur. Treated with a degree of contempt, it is encouraged in its power-hungry beliefs by the Club but only in return for substantial wads of cash.

Scally - youthful and abusive member of the community, often with slight criminal tendencies. May be recognised by head to toe Kappa sportswear. Usual habitats include Hala Common, Moffat town centre and any swings/play-parks/recycling bins. Often collect in herds outside Spar shops.

Scramblos - god of scrambling and airy moves. Respectful prayers and offerings can be advisable before attempting anything Grade 3 or gnarlier.

Sex - much talked of. It is harder however to decide on the true rate of Hiker nookie. What is certain is that it is exaggerated by shameless gossip although you can never be sure what all that fresh air and incest will do to a person. More concerning when relatively sane people start talking about rings and 'breeding'.

Shark - smooth, slippery, carnivorous beast. Natural habitats include The Carleton, The Sugarhouse, Brooks, pubs etc. Feeding habits are orientated around female Homo Sapiens, especially those 18-25 years of age. Origin OE sharkke -stealer of virtue.

Sheep - fluffy four-legged animals with characteristic 'Baaaa' call. Very agile and frequently found in mountainous regions. Provide yearly fascination for foreign students (see punter). Much is made of various members' affiliation for these creatures, and some Hikers will try to explain that sheep are often useful in mountain situations - ie. belay sheep (sheep balanced on dangerous ledge) and navigational sheep (the only thing visible to take a bearing from in the mist).

Shit - come on, I bet it's the first word you looked up, you foul mouthed scally.

So Much Right Now - suffix used to add emphasis to various statements. Usually preceded by the words 'I hate' this term has been applied to weather, individuals, walking, tents and camping. See in-joke.

Sobriety - not a feature of any Club member.

Social - several official and many unofficial meetings held during each term. Usually involves food, beer, gossip and incest, in varying amounts.

Spindoctor - Former exec member still controlling the Club by insidious means. See Nick

Sporting/Interesting - extreme gradient with minimal distinguishable route. Upon hearing J.Heath describe something as 'Sporting', invest in life insurance. See also airy.

Squirrel - (i) small tree-climbing rodent. In guise of roadkill can make a nutritious meal for a Bagger.

(ii) Nuts the ~. Failed club mascot/alternative president, kept by P. Meehan. Notorious for his spectacular career involving encounters with various condiments and alcoholic beverages. Ritually burnt at the year 2000 Annual Dinner but resurrected shortly after.

Stingy - Extreme psychological complaint mostly seen in Club treasurers. Often displayed by an almost fascist dedication to securing funds from the pockets of innocent Club members.

Tosser - Adjective applied by D. McCartney to close friends, enemies, strangers, inanimate objects etc. usually when drunk.

Upper Rectum - Extremely cliquey members of the inner sanctum.

Vango Force 10 - as in "You know when you've been Vango'ed!'" Regulation orange prisms passing as accommodation on camping trips. Various problems are encountered in erecting these structures and maintaining them in an upright position, leading to occasional nocturnal swearing and nakedness. The ongoing debate about the numbers of tent spaces was recently conclusively answered as 42-there's a certain poetic justice in that!

Vango Village - Portable settlement of orange canvas clustered around communal mud.

Website - the baby of the modern club including such delights as ridiculous photographs and a trip report system. Much vaunted home of the "Official List of UK University Climbing and Mountaineering Clubs™." Fussed over like a sickly infant with tons of e-mails flying back and forth about minute details that do/do not need sorting out.

Wendy Walk - a variety of bimbling, although increasingly challenging in recent years. Always includes big bags of sweeties and lots of singing. Hurrah!

Whisky - the elixir of life. One sip of this sacred drink conjures up the images of heather, peat fires, seaweed, and mountains. Famously better than sex. Or is that chocolate?

Wild Rover - "Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Ribena!" "Ribena who?" etc…

The Club song. Traditional lyrics detailing drunken wanderings in Ireland with some additional verses dealing with the everyday problems of sexual frustration, prostitution, violence and paedophilia.

Zebra - Zebras have nothing at all to do with Hiking. They do not make good sandwiches.

ZZZZZZZZZ - The contented sound of happy Hikers late on a Sunday night.